“He’s addicted to porn!” your friend cries to you “I just discovered it and he’s been hiding it for years!”
What would you say? How would you help?
We live in a porn-culture, and it’s becoming more and more acceptable. But the effects of porn are anything but normal.
As sisters in Christ we have to be equipped to help a friend walk this path…if it hasn’t happened to you yet, chances are it will!
First of all, we must realize that this can be a complex issue, with many layers and deep dark secrets that may surface. Avoid giving simplistic or too quick of advice. (Like: “Just submit more to his sexual advantages. You must not be giving him enough physical intimacy!”)
Second, if you are married, involve your husband. Keep him in the loop and let your friend know you are sharing what she shares with your husband. Pray for your marriage as you walk along side another couple dealing with this type of issue.
Third, look to the bible for the way we restore a believer who is in sin. First we see, that we go to the person one on one. Maybe this is the wife confronting her husband. (Matthew 18:15 “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”)
At this point your friends husband may try to shift all the blame on her, making her feel like she is going crazy for being uncomfortable with his porn issue. He may twist the whole thing and leave her feeling so confused and frustrated. Pointing her to The Truth is helpful! This can be a very painful season for your friend. Longing to believe her husband, yes knowing there is a “cancer” of sin in her marriage destroying it!
Also at this point he will either share everything or become even more defensive! What an ugly stage if he remains prideful and unbroken!
If the husband remains unrepentant the next biblical step is to take 2 or 3 more witnesses to confront her husband in his sin. (Matthew 18:16 But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.)
This may still not break the power of the sin and he may remain in defensive mode. He still may being trying to shift all the blame on his wife.
However a repentant man is willing to do whatever his wife requests (counseling, therapy, accountability). He is not afraid of sharing the whole truth! He never says, “I don’t know” or “I don’t remember” when he is asked a question about his addiction! He is walking in the light of truth if he is repentant and wanting help!
So if after confronting the husband with two or three others he remains unrepentant it is at this point I’d encourage the wife to take her case to the elders of their church (if this is a friend who is plugged into a body of believers). (Matthew 18:17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.)
We also see in 1 Corinthians 5:5 that the elders have the authority to turn someone over to satan in hopes to restore their soul. (Check out this video from John MacAurthur on this topic: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2Tplkvc-Ac )
Now your friend, as you walk this path, may need some resources. A book she may read is, “Every Man’s Battle” and I’d recommend “The Porn Path” sermon by Mark Driscoll. She may also read: Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin and When Godly People do Ungodly Things.
There is also “Celebrate Recovery” a Christ-centered recovery program located in churches nationwide. Her husband would be able to meet other men who are recovering from sexual addiction! Find a group HERE!
I’d also encourage them to look for some biblical counselor. I’d highly recommend finding a counselor through The National Association of Nouthetic Counselors
Also, if you know another woman who has walked this path then connect the two women. Or maybe you have walked through this to one level or another. Share your story and heart! If the wife is able to talk to someone who has walked through this in a God honoring way, it can encourage her and give her tools of being able to make it through this very painful experience!
More than all of this pray! Pray for the husband to be broken of this sin and for the truth to come to light! Pray for their marriage, their children, and for God to guide you through His Spirit as you walk this path with your friend.
