About three years ago I wrote a series of blog posts on Preparing for Marriage. One of those posts addressed the issue of Stuffers vs. Talkers. 

In the past few months I’ve been seeing more and more effects of coming from a family of stuffers. Now before I go on, I come from a family of talkers and there’s issues with us too! Often times we don’t have good timing because we feel like everything has to get talked about right that moment and we also can be in each others business way too much.

But I keep seeing a reoccurring theme with adults who grew up in a family of stuffers and I’ve watched first hand how this can create deep issues later in life.

I have a close friend who was very hurt in their childhood. This person stuffed all of the pain and tried to live life as normal. The way I like to explain it is to use the analogy of a huge, big rubber ball. This ball is all the pain and hurt. We all are given a limited amount of emotional energy for life. Emotional energy is used in life to care for others, to relate to others, and to be an emotional person. When there’s pain, the big ball, and we’re trying to “stuff” this pain, it’s like we’re trying to hold this ball under water so no one can see it. (This is the masks we can wear.)

So we’re using a great deal of emotional energy to keep that ball under water. Then, what I’ve seen, is someone can only do this for so long before they POP! It’s funny because it seem like the magic age is when someone is in their 40′s. Almost like 20 plus years of holding ball under water cannot go on any longer.

Some call this a mid-life crisis. Maybe…not sure and again this is just my theory and my observations. This “mid-life” pop can be devastating to those in this persons life. 

My friend who finally let the ball go had some painful memories to face and deal with, but came to a place where they were more emotionally available to their family because they no longer where holding that ball under water. Which brought about freedom and a new found connection to the people closest to this person.

So a family of stuffers can be holding in pain, deep and real hurts, that need to be worked through. Often, I believe, people don’t want to go back because we hear messages like, “The past is the past, leave it there.” And I do agree that we can’t dwell on it, but if that pain hasn’t been worked through (maybe with the help of a professional or a close friend with some great tools to help) the wound is always there and doesn’t heal properly. 

This is my plea, and why I write, if you come from a family where you never expressed deep pain or hurt, can I encourage you to work at letting that ball go. Chances are, if you are stuffing pain, you have a short fuse, have little emotional energy for people in your life, keep your walls very high, or have just turned off all emotions in order to protect your heart and emotions. I watched my friend embrace the hurt, work through it, and come to a place of new joy and peace (this person did go through professional counseling). 

Five years ago, on a cold February day, a few women came to my house for a playdate. We never could have guessed what would come from this playdate.

Prior to that I had been invited to my cousin’s monthly playdate. I loved going and I enjoyed the company of these other moms walking along the same path as me…but I didn’t go to church with these women. It got me thinking, “Why can’t I have my own monthly playdate?”

So I sent out an e-mail, and invited about 4 or 5 moms into my home.

Last week I went to my mail box and had a letter from my friend Heather. What was this?

I opened it and read this: 

A Tribute to Friendship

“Once upon a time God brought a group of women together in the name of motherhood. A simple plan for a monthly playdate with children sparked friendships that will last a lifetime. The group did not always look like it does today. A couple of moms moved on and another earned her way into the group with the birth of her first child. The children who played together, in those early days, were later joined by siblings who have the privilege of being parented by women who are a little older and a little wiser. These women did not become friends by change. Each woman, at her own time, attended MOPS. Although some have graduated, a few remain, serving the women who are living similar lives with little ones at home.

 Conversations that once revolved around sleepless nights and temper tantrums have matured into beautiful words of confession, encouragement, and honesty. The getting-too-know-you years have been replaced with an intimacy unique to these women. A look, a nudge, or a smile can be translated into a story. Quiet conversation can quickly turn into a debate or uncontrollable laughter. There is intention in this group. No need for small talk. If they have something to say, they say it. If their feelings are hurt or they disagree, it is safe to say so. Some of the women are quiet and some do no hesitate to be heard. Each of them have been home full-time at some point and understand the importance of Christn mother in a world that appreciates a different view. Their annual reunion is intertwined with brief encounters over coffee, a quick text, a phone call, or the random chance to talk at length. Each instance leaves them feeling blessed. Two of these women are sisters by blood, but they are all sisters in Christ. 

I am honored to be one of the women. There are times when I leave them feeling challenged by a topic I cannnot get off my mind. I am stretched to understand their points of view. I am sometimes convicted by their words, yet I am comforted in knowing we all cling to the same God. I know who to call for a much-needed reality check. I know what will make them laugh. Much to my surprise I have discovered this type of friendship is rare. When you are living out your life with women by your side, it is easy to understand how lonely life would be without them.

This tribute is dedicate to our dear friend, Lesli, who will be living her life in a different state in 2012. Let this adventure challenge us in new ways to honor God as we endure the distance that will quickly come between us. And let us thank God for the technology that will keep us close.

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25″

WOW! Tears streamed down my face!

What a wonderful letter to receive.

I know there are many lonely moms who will read and may fight jealousy in their hearts. But that’s not why I post! I post because this group didn’t just happen. We opened our homes, our lives (even the ugly parts), and our hearts to each other. We made this group a priority. We were intentional! 

If you are craving more community with others, then be intentional! Open your messy home, your messy life, and your willing heart…then watch God move!

Thanks Heather for the letter! Love you friend!

Lori, Darci, Heather, Heather, Lesli
 

This morning my parents took the three boys, yes all three, out for breakfast. They call them “early bird” breakfasts and it started one day last year when Miles was up early and Nana texted to see if anyone wanted to go for breakfast with her. The boys look forward to these special treats. This was Clark’s first time and let me tell you he was beyond EXCITED to be a big boy and go with them!

I was most looking forward to 30 minutes of quiet time that was kid-free. 

As a mom I have gotten used to the interrupted time in God’s Word, but treasure these moments of just being able to curl under a blanket with my coffee and really get into God’s Word.

This was my perfect quiet time this morning:

• Cup of coffee
• Blanket
• Two bibles (NASB and ESV)
• Journal and pen
• Commentary (online)
• David Nevue pandora channel
• 30 full minutes

My take away: the more I see God’s holiness, the more I see my sinfulness

What would be your perfect quiet time?

This year, as I look back, one of the main themes for me was revival!

The process of being revived started in the fall of 2010, but God was just preparing me for some events that took place this year that really brought about revival in my heart!

For one, God showed me what brokenness looks like. God showed me more of the depth of my sins. 

Honestly when you grow up in a church and are surrounded by Christians all the time…well it’s easy to think you’re pretty good! But God hit me upside the head a few times (I like to call these “spiritual 2×4″ moments). Painful, but oh so wonderful to have Him show you more of Himself! Having no hidden areas from God is a beautiful thing!

One question that was impressed on my heart over and over was: If someone was to come and look at every corner of my life, my house, my heart; if someone read every email, looked at every webpage I visited; if someone read my journals; if someone watched every moment of my day or could read every thought: Would I point them to Jesus? Is my heart and life Christ-centered? 

I don’t think we should be Christ-centered for the sake of others, but I believe it honors God when we strive to lay it all aside for the glory of Christ. 

The other aspect of revival came with having a clear conscience with others. There was a situation in my life I thought was a dead end…but not with God! God revived a relationship, brought closure to pain, and brought amazing healing as only He could! As I look back, this event FREED me! I didn’t realize how having this “baggage” hanging over me was weighing me down to experiences real revival!

Brokenness + clear conscience = REVIVAL! 

Revival brings depths of joy, peace, and begins to open up deeper levels of intimacy with my Savior! I wish this for everyone who calls on the name of Jesus!

For 2012: Be more God-honoring, Christ-Centered and Holy-Spirit filled! All for His glory!

So many of us are turning our thoughts to 2012. There’s something about turning the calendar with a fresh year, a bit unknown, and a time to put the busyness of the holidays behind and get back to a normal schedule. 

The past few months God has been impressing on my heart my lack of worship. Oh sure, I love playing worship songs, I love singing, I love Christ-centered (not look what I have to give God, me/I-centered) worship, I love worship with my church family, but the Lord has been showing me I lack in my private, quiet, personal worship with Him.

When I read my bible I normally read things to encourage me, spur me on to deeper levels of sanctification, and to spiritually feed me. All good reasons to read, but I generally skip over my time of worship.

When I pray I normally start with the heavy prayer requests on my heart. I feel so honored and burdened to pray for God’s people and those unsaved! But I don’t take time to worship the King I speak to. 

That time to pause and reflect on who God is! That’s it…just pause and think of His faithfulness, thank Him for His blessings. Praise Him that He is on His throne through all life’s trails. Just pure worship….nothing for me to get from it other than praise and worship of my King and Savior. 

As I flip my calendar to 2012 I want to worship more. Much of this year (it may take me all year), I am going to be in the book of Psalms in hopes that it encourages my heart to worship.

What are ways you worship in your private time with the Lord? What are somethings that you feel like usher you into His throne room? 

Oh the heartache friends are going through. Cancer, marriage problems, miscarriages, long term illness, death of close family members, very sick children, prodigal children, financial issues, broken family relationships, deep wounds that have resurfaced, and the list goes on….people are walking through deep, dark valleys.

At this point in my life, things are going good…we have a house, food on the table, healthy boys, a wonderful marriage, a clear vision for ministry…I have nothing to complain about.

Part of me feels like…when will it be my turn? When will my test come?

It says in Hebrews 12:10b “God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness.”

2 Corinthians 1:5 “For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through “

1 Peter 4:12 “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.”

As a follower of Christ I must expect that trials will come my way. They come as a way of drawing me closer to the heart and holiness of God. 

(I also believe we will be carried away by temptation and experience loss and pain, not from God, but as a result of our sin. Consequences of giving into temptations and God’s trials are two different things.)

How will I respond?

If God took away my husband, my kids, my health, my home….see that’s just it…it’s not mine…it’s God’s! He’s given, He can take away. Yes, there’s grief to be had, there would be morning and sadness…but could I honestly say, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” Job 1:12

My turn will come, a time and season of testing will come, but I pray by God’s grace all glory will go to Him. God will give me the grace needed to take one step in front of the next. He won’t show me the outcome of my trial (most likely), but He does promise that His grace is sufficient. (“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Cor 1:5)

I’ve spent a good chunk of this year de-cluttering and simplifying my home. It’s been freeing to part with a porch full of stuff…stuff I don’t even miss, and frankly can’t remember what it was we got rid of. I look at certain areas of my house and think, “I could get more aggressive in de-cluttering this stuff.”

So as we get closer and closer to Christmas I knew I wanted to be intentional about what gets brought into our home. John and I are blessed with parents who don’t go overboard!! My parents gave us a trip to Wisconsin Dells at Thanksgiving for Christmas, and John’s parents buy one simple gift for each boy and a pair of homemade slippers! What a blessing that is to us! I pray that it shows my boys that Christmas isn’t about a pile of gifts to tear into and hardly even take time to enjoy.

 But this year my mind has been swirling with ways to do Christmas different and I didn’t even know what that meant, but two things came across my path. 

1) Revive our Hearts did a three day series on: Making Christmas More Meaningful

2) A Holy Experience blogged: When Christmas Gets Radical: Who’s Birthday is it anyway?

Both of these have challenged me deeply to rethink Christmas…for this year, but especially for next year because we do all our Christmas shopping pretty early in the year. We’ve already scaled back on Christmas for the boys, but to not just scale back but to give back to those who need it.

I don’t know what this means for us in the years to come, but my hope is that when the boys are older they will see Christmas is more about giving to Jesus than filling their own wish list. I want them to be other-focused and Christ-centered, and shouldn’t Christmas be the best season to teach them this in a deeply powerful way?

Last night a friend called and asked me how she could support a friend who just walked through a miscarriage. 

I am always honored to help walk another woman through the devastation of a miscarriage and since her call I’ve been thinking of ways to support and walk along side a friend who has miscarried.

1) Don’t avoid her! Call her, stop by her house, or text her as soon as you hear about it. I had friends who reached out to me, stopped by, called and it was nice to have those reach out to me.

2) Just hug her, tell her you love her and are praying for her. Avoid saying things like, “Oh you’ll get pregnant again.” or “At least you know you can get pregnant.”  or “Well if something was wrong with the baby then this is a good thing.” 

3) Send her flowers

4) Send her a card with bible verses printed on 3×5 cards. Verses of hope and encouragement. 

5) Pray for the peace of God to wash over her (I’ll never forget the night after the miscarriage, John and I were laying in bed and we literally felt people praying for us!!)

6) Remember the due date and send her a note or call her that day (Tomorrow, Dec. 9th was my due date 7 years ago!) 

7) Don’t be scared to ask her questions down the road…I wanted to talk about my baby, it’s my baby…it’s a person that died, I wanted to talk about my loss. I wanted to talk about my dashed expectations.

8) If you go to church with her, hug her when you see her. Church was the hardest for me for about 3 months afterwards.

9) Most women I know have 1 cycle that is long, then they are late with their next cycle. Most women think they are pregnant, most aren’t…so if you’re close with her, just check in with her for a couple of months…those months before we got pregnant with Miles I was a super emotional wreak! 

10) If she does get pregnant again pray for peace in her pregnancy and let her know you’re praying for peace.

11) Make a meal for her and her family

I hope these suggestions help! Many women walk through miscarriages and it’s helpful to have tools in walking side by side with a friend who has lost a child. 

MERRY CHRISTMAS

We chose to use our church, Christ Community Church, as the back drop for our Christmas card picture, because much of our year was intertwined with our involvement at church.

In February we had the privilege of hosting a marriage conference. That stirred in us a desire to do more marriage ministry and in September we began a class for newlyweds. God has also brought about some deeper ties to the body of Christ we serve and fellowship with at Christ Community Church!

We’ve also been blessed with a trip to Disney World with John’s parents and sister and Thanksgiving in the Dells with Heather’s family. What great memories we made this year with family!

We’ve continued home educating the boys and joined a local group of homeschoolers. The boys have enjoyed making new friends who, to their surprise, also have school at their homes!

Our prayer for the year to come is that we will be more God-honoring, Christ-Centered, and Holy Spirit filled, all for His glory!

John, Heather, Miles, Luke & Clark

I listened to Francis Chan on Focus on the Family last week (John has come to know that when I hear a fresh teaching from Francis Chan it normally means my brain goes into overload). He was saying that he and his wife had a spare room in their home. One day he was praying and asking God, “What do you want with this room?”

He heard of a single mom with three kids, and one on the way, at their local mission needing housing. He called his wife, told her and she said, “My friend and I were just praying about what we should do with that room. This must be it.”

So he went home, picked up his wife, and went to the mission to invite this woman and three children to come live with them.

My heart paused, “Would I do that?”

Would I really be willing to let a complete stranger and three kids move into my home if I had an extra room. If God called us to open our home and if John and I were so united on that, would we do it?

Honestly, I don’t know?

I like my comfort. I like my space. I like ministry that isn’t too messy. 

Wow…how selfish of me!

Jesus was super comfortable in heaven. Creation was His space and oh dear are we a mess!

But He took on the form of a human, stepped out of heaven in the way of a helpless baby, to save ME and I want my space. I want my comfort. I want my home to be my home?

As I talked this over with John I mentioned a couple and said, “I wish we could let them move in for a month. I wish we had space for them to come live with us and not stress about rent for one month. I wish our basement was nice to house someone for a few weeks.”

I want to be radical in my faith. If we were going to open up our room in the basement it would mean getting rid of a large collection of stuff…stuff we hardly look at and don’t need. It’s scary even writing this because I know God is knocking on my heart. He’s wanting all of me, all of us, all of our house, all of our stuff! When I look back on my life in heaven, my comfort and stuff will seem so silly and meaningless.

God is knocking on my heart is other areas…areas I am still processing and seeking Him. I don’t want to be radical just for the sake of being radical…I want to obey for the glory of the gospel! 

So what is my home missing? Extra room…no..a person willing to be radically obedient 

Lord show us what You want with our house! It’s yours!