I had a conversation with a couple of girlfriends earlier this week. We’re all about the same age…and we were talking about our gray hair.

I’ll admit I am proud of my gray hair!

Sure, I only have a few of them, but I’ve earned those gray hairs! 

I won’t (at least I say this now) color my hair! I will wear those gray hairs proudly! Also I am just about 3 years from 40, so it’s to be expected!

How about you? 

My silence has been good. God has pointed out, pressed in more, and helped me see more my need for the daily gospel in my life. 

Edgy

Someone told me recently that I have an edge about me lately.

I feel it.

I feel edgy.

I feel like I am easily annoyed.

I find myself wanting to lash out.

I find myself weary.

I find myself sensitive to people I am not normally sensitive to.

I find myself on the verge of tears.

I need some resolution.

I need God to defend.

I need grace.

To not being able change what you wish you could change has lead me to an edge. 

I want to give into my flesh. 

I want to post the dirty laundry.

I want to scream the truth from the rooftop.

I think I need a break. 

A break from blogging.

A break from Facebook.

Just a people break until I can find some emotional healing.

Healing I thought was behind me has resurfaced. 

Forgiveness I thought I had granted has shown up as unforgiveness. 

I need the Word.

I need the cross.

I need to prepare my heart for Easter.

See you when I get back.

Pray for complete healing.

For relationship healing.

For heart healing.

Only God can do it!

In response to my “Ugly Mommy Moment” post I had a few private messages or comments about yelling.

My friend said, “I thought you were going to say you yelled at your boys.”

So I thought I’d share and I know my mom would not be offended by me sharing. 

I grew up with a yeller! You never knew when mom was going to fly off the handle and yell about anything.

It was awful to grow up always on egg shells, never knowing when the yell bomb was going to explode!

At age 40 my mom went to counseling and COMPLETELY changed her life! It was awesome how God used counseling to heal wounds, teach her new ways of dealing with issues, and transform our entire family. (It wasn’t overnight, but she was teachable and willing, which was amazing to experience as a teenager…yes, I was 16 or 17 at the time.)

Also as an adult I can understand why mom was a yeller, so I don’t hold it against her or even am upset she was like this. My mom is one of my best friends now!

But because I grew up with that I’ve been super, duper, extra careful to never yell at my boys. One time I ran to the basement and screamed and one other time I yelled out at the mess…but I’ve never screamed at the boys. I may have done a loud, “GRRRRR”, but that the extent of my yelling.

I do raise my voice, but not yell…there is a difference.

I think the imprint of how yelling left me feeling as a kid is so fresh, in my own memory I want to give the boys something totally different. I don’t want them nervous in their own home. This should be the safest most comfortable place here on earth for them.

If you’re a mom who yells first of all, don’t take this post as you’re an awful mom, but be encouraged. I grew up with a yeller and I turned out okay…right!? Second, see my moms example…you can change! You can put an end to yelling!

As far as my ugly mommy moment, things are better. I got some down time this weekend and just a fresh perspective of my role, my job, and my boys. Also some good teaching of Francis Chan and James MacDonald helped! 

 

Ugly Mommy Moment

Last night I had an ugly mom moment! Why do I share? Why tell you all? Often times I post about how intentional I am being or how my boys are growing and learning. But I find it important to share the real moments of mothering. I share in hopes to encourage and let other moms know they’re not alone! (Or that I am not alone!)

During my daily activities I found that I am doing things for my boys that they should be doing on their own: putting on shoes, getting dressed, putting on coats, and wiping them on the toilet. (It’s a bit embarrassing how much I do for them at almost 6 and 5) 

I guess I find it easier for me to just do it.

Well, I hit a boiling point last night. Just enough already! It’s not really their fault, I’ve not made them do things. I’ve just done it. But I am worn out! I am not their slave to do what they need. 

After I put Clark to bed I “ran away” on a walk. I needed it. To just get fresh air. Take a break. Gather my thoughts.

What I realized is how I just feel like a failure as a mom. So many things I’d like to change: I’d like to be better organized, have a better schedule, enable them less to do things they should be doing, do a better job homeschooling, and a list of so many other things.

All moms feel like this, right? At times we all feel like, “Grrr we should be doing more, doing it better!” 

Today we’re starting some “training” classes and by God’s grace I won’t run away today! 

*EDIT* Today we learned how to get on shoes and get dressed after a bath! Miles said, “This is fun learning how to do it.” Guess I should have started a few months back!

Please share if you’ve had an ugly mommy moment…then I won’t feel so alone!

I finished Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ book: Surrender, last night. She has a list of questions and I just have to share because it’s powerful to prayerfully ask God if you’ve fully surrendered!

This is a rather LONG list of questions. Often times I believe we are not aware (I am not aware) of the many areas that God wants control of. We’ve become so complacent and so much like the world around us we’re not seeing these radical act of saying “Yes, Lord”. I believe if more Christians took seriously the need to surrender every area to the Lordship of Christ the watching world would hunger for what we have!

We must read a list like this through grace, knowing that a surrendered life is a process!

Enjoy the heart pricking questions:

 

Have I ever consciously acknowledged Christ’s ownership of my life?

Have I made a volitional, unconditional, lifetime surrender of my life to Christ?

Am I seeking to live out that surrender on a daily basis?

Are there any “compartments” of my life over which I am reserving the right to exercise control?

Do I live with the conscious realization that all my time belongs to God, or have I merely reserved a portion of my time for the “spiritual” category of my life?

Am I living each day in light of eternity?

Am I purposeful and intentional in the use of time, seeking to invest the moments of my days in ways that will bring glory to God?

Do I seek His direction as to how I should use my “free time”?

Am I squandering time with meaningless, useless conversation or entertainment?

Do I readily respond to opportunities to serve others, even if it requires sacrificing “my” time?

Do I become resentful or impatient when others interrupt my schedule or when I am faced with unplanned demands on my time?

Do I view my job as an opportunity to serve Christ and bring glory to God?

Have I considered any possible vocational change the Lord may want me to make to devote more time to the advancement of His kingdom?

Am I yielding the members of my body to God as instruments of righteousness?

Do I use my body to express the kindness and love of Christ to others?

Are any of the members of my body – eyes, ears, hands, feet, mouth, etc. – being used to sin against God (e.g., stealing, lying, listening to or repeating gossip, inflicting physical harm on mate or children, listening to profanity, viewing pornography, sexual sin)?

Do I treat my body as if it is the temple of the Holy Spirit?

Am I abusing my body in any way? (e.g., with food, alcohol, illegal or prescriptions drugs)?

Am I willing to be physically spent in serving God and others?

Have I relinquished the right to have a healthy body? Would I accept and embrace physical illness if that would bring glory to God?

Am I submissive to God in relation to what and how much I eat, drink and how much and when I sleep?

Am I morally pure – what I see, what I think, what I do, where I go, what I listen to, what I say?

Do the words that come out of my mouth reveal that my lips and tongue are fully surrendered to God?

Do I habitually verbalize the goodness and greatness of God?

Do I regularly ask the Lord to guard my tongue?

Before I speak, do I ask the Lord what He wants me to say?

Am I filling my mind and heart with the Word of God, so that what comes out of my mouth will be “messages from Him”?

Do I speak words that are critical, unkind, untrue, self-centered, rude, profane or unnecessary?

Do I look for and take advantage of opportunities to give a verbal witness for Christ?

Do I intentionally use my tongue to edify and encourage others in their walk with God?

Do I treat any of my possessions as if they were mine rather than God’s?

Do I give generously, sacrificially, and gladly give to the Lord’s work and to others in need?

Do I own anything that I would not be willing to part with if God were to take it from me or ask me to give it to another?

Am I a wise steward of the material resources God has entrusted to me?

Do I view God as my provider and the source of all my material possessions? 

Am I content with the material resources God has given me? If God should choose not to give me one thing more than what I already have, would I be satisfied with His provision?

Do I give my tithes and offerings to the Lord before I pay my bills or spend my income?

Do I become angry or upset if others are careless with “my” possessions?

Am I bringing “everything thought captive to the obedience of Christ”?

Am I discipling my mind to get to know God and His Word better?

Am I wasting my mind on worldly knowledge or pursuits that do not have eternal, spiritual value?

Do I habitually think about things that are just, pure, lovely, of good report, virtuous, and praiseworthy, rather than things that are unwholesome, negative, impure, or vain?

Am I guarding the entrance of my mind from impure influences (e.g., books, magazines, movies,  music, conversations)?

Am I devoting my mental capacity to serving Christ and furthering His kingdom?

Do I consistently seek to know and to do the will of God in the practical, daily matters of life?

When I read the Word of God (or hear it proclaimed), am I quick to say, “Yes, Lord” and do what it says?

Is there anything God has shown me to be His will that I have been neglecting or refusing to obey?

Is there anything I know God wants me to do that I have not done/am not doing?

Do I become resentful when things don’t go my way? Do I have to have the last word in disagreements?

Am I stubborn? Demanding? Controlling?

Am I quick to respond in confession and repentance when the Holy Spirit convicts me of sin?

Am I submissive to the human authorities God has placed over me (e.g., church, civil, home, work)?

Am I moody? Temperamental? Hard to please?

Do I love Christ and His kingdom more than this earth and its pleasures? Is there anything or anyone that I am more devoted to than Christ?

Am I allowing Christ to reign and rule over my affections, my emotions, and my responses? 

Am I easily angered or provoked?

Am I allowing anyone or anything other than Christ to control my emotions and responses?

Are my desires, appetites, and longings under Christ’s control?

Am I in bondage to any earthly, fleshly, or sinful desire or appetites? Am I indulging or making provisions for my fleshly desires?

Do I trust God’s right to rule over the circumstances of my life?

Is it my desire and intent to love God with all my heart, above all earthly relationships? Do I seek out the friendship of God as much as I do human friendships?

Do I love God more than I love myself? Do I seek His interests, His reputation, and His pleasure above my own?

Have I surrendered to God all my desires, rights, and expectations regarding my family?

Am I willing to let God decide whether I am to be married and to whom?

Have I surrendered the right to have a loving, godly mate?

Am I willing to love my mate in a Christlike way, regardless of whether or not that love is reciprocated?

Have I accepted God’s decision to grant or withhold the blessing of children?

Is there anyone that I “love” in a way that is not pure? Am I holding on to any friendships or relationships that God wants me to relinquish? 

Am I willing to sacrifice friendships, if necessary, in order to obey God and His call in my life?

Am I willing to speak the truth in love to others about their spiritual condition, even if it means risking the loss of the relationship or my reputation?

Have I surrendered all that I am and all that I have to God?

Is there any part of myself – my plans, relationships, possessions, emotions, career, future – that I am knowingly holding back from God?

Have I settled the issue that the ultimate purpose of my life is to please God and bring Him glory?

Is it the intent of my heart, by His grace, to live the rest of my life wholly for Him and for His pleasure, rather than for myself and my pleasure?

 

Good for you if you got through the whole list

I’m reminded again that motherhood is not for the faint of heart!

Last Thursday/Friday I started getting a chest cold. Little did I know it would last over a week, cause extreme fatigue, and bring down my three boys.

Our house has been a sick house, again! Didn’t we just go through this in January? I figured we had our one round of sickness, but here we are, Sunday morning with a house full of sickies! 

Yes, we’re on the mend, the fevers are gone, the coughs and mucus aren’t. The fatigue lingers, sleep abounds, and we’re longing for spring. (One bonus is I’ve had no appetite and I am down about 5 pounds on my scale at home…44 total at Weight Watchers!)

I was reminded of a quote from Nancy Leigh DeMoss, “Circumstances will cause you to worship or whine!” (something along those lines.) I’ve chosen to worship (not in every moment, but today ). To thank God for all that His hand brings into my life: even when everything stops, when my house becomes a mess, and my kids are sick. It’s a process, but with some worship music, some praying on my knees, and opening God’s Word I find the strength I need to endure. 

Happy Sunday morning! Happy Spring forward!

Last Thursday I was having an all out pity party! Life just was not being nice to me at that moment!

As I logged onto Facebook I saw someone asking for prayer for a family who lost everything in a fire. I told my friend I’d be happy to pray, but I asked if there was anything I could do.

She told me this family had nothing and they had no where to live.

My brain kicked into high gear!

I got more details, then posted a note on facebook and sent an e-mail out to my Sunday School class at church.

Within hours we had found a new home for the Lindo’s and people started dropping off donations to my house. 

I wish I could share all the little details of what happened, but God showed up in a BIG way! Any time I’d post a need on Facebook it was filled within an hour! (Like Saturday night I realized we had 1 set of sheets, so I put out the need. Within 5 minutes someone messaged me that they were going to buy brand new sheets, wash them, and have them ready for Sunday)

Sunday was move in day. Here on Thursday (4 days after the fire) they had nothing, by Sunday they had a home and it was filled! Of course other friends and family donated stuff, but people in my community, church, and family had two trucks and my van loaded up for them. 

God knew I needed them to show me how silly my pity party was! God has blessed me in many ways this past week as I laid aside all my problems and looked outward and upward to give to others. 

I am thankful for the Lindo family. 

 

HOW I WANT TO LOVE, but fall short so often:    

 

 Heather never gives up. 
   Heather cares more for others than for self. 
   Heather doesn’t want what she doesn’t have. 
   Heather doesn’t strut, 
   Heather doesn’t have a swelled head, 
   Heather doesn’t force herself on others, 
   With Heather, isn’t always “me first,” 
   Heather doesn’t fly off the handle, 
   Heather doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, 
   Heather doesn’t revel when others grovel, 
   Heather takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, 
   Heather puts up with anything, 
   Heather trusts God always, 
   Heather always looks for the best, 
   Heather never looks back, 
   Heather keeps going to the end.

 

I Corinthians 13 from the Message with Heather in place of Love

Revive our Hearts (Listen on line daily HERE) 

Walk in the Word (Listen on-line daily HERE)

Francis Chan 

Mary Kassian

These are the top four people I am just can’t get enough of lately!

It’s stirred in me such a discontentment for status quo! Such a discontentment for the “middle road” of Christianity. I want to throw off everything that is getting in my way to serve Christ fully! I am not afraid of what comes, whatever it takes!

God is peeling away layers.

God is doing some major things with John and me. It’s not just me, it’s us as a couple! I love it! He’s starting to revel His plans for us in the years to come…slowing showing us!

I am so hungry right now. So spiritually hungry that I can’t get enough.

All of this is joyful, yet down right painful! Pruning is NO fun! But it’s beyond important in my walk with Christ. 

God is teaching me to be patient, teaching me grace, teaching me to watch, teaching me to wait, teaching me so much.

My tendency is to get ahead of what God’s doing, but I must wait. 

I want to yell: WAKE UP! Nothing on this world is worth getting in the way of your walk with Christ. NOTHING! No relationship, no marriage, no kids, no job, no money, no financial security, not being in your comfort zone, no “being right” attitude, no house, no past pain, no car, no vacation, no church family…nothing should get in your way!

What are you learning right now? Who’s teaching, other than the Word, are you enjoying these days?